you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
