do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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