Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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