Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
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Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
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