i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
