Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Randomize