yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
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When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
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It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize