Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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