did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!