i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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