if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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