I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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