I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
