Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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