they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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