You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
