It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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