OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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