I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
