News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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