Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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