hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
