I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
