I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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