I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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