You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
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She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
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Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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