you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
