i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
