We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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