I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Randomize
