I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
