is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
organizing the empties. That sober.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes