Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
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He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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