We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
