I just pynch a tree in the face
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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