Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
