can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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