I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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