chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
