I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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