I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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