also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
