I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
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She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
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The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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