Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
