chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
