My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
