Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
