Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
