Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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