I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
