You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
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this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
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$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.