So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
