it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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