You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
