i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
