ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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